Two Qualities of a Great Dad

Today is an unusual Father's Day for me.  I continue my Sabbatical journey from Hatteras this week, and am only with one of my kids - Joshua, my 10 year old and youngest.  As my kids get older, they are more scattered, each learning to live their own lives.

Fatherhood has been a blessing to me.  The joy of being the most significant influence (along with Susan) in the lives of three people.  Sometimes we ask ourselves, "What are we doing to our kids today that they will unload to their counselor in 10 years?!"  I'm sure there is some of that.  But mostly, I think we've done a decent job, and I'm grateful for the honor of having three great kids.  They have mostly made parenting easy.

My Dad set such a great example of what it means to be a great father for me.  When my parents divorced when I was 9, Dad remained a central part of our lives.  He picked us up every weekend and every Wednesday evening.  In a day and time long before joint custody and when the kids usually went with Mom in the divorce and saw Dad every other weekend, we had a very unusual situation.  Dad called frequently and NEVER missed a weekend with us.  NEVER.

Dad drove a 1963 Corvette - a 2 seater - and often picked all 3 of us (me, Jeremy and Jason) up in it.  This was before seatbelt laws, but it was still quite dangerous, looking back.  We'd pile in - and on - each other, all glad to be with Dad once again.**

Dad taught me - through his actions - that there were two things really great fathers give to their kids:  Time and Affirming Words.  Not stuff.  Not money.  Parents think they have to buy everything for their kids.  Kids will ask for everything, too.  My Dad did spoil us a little.  But mostly, he invested heavily in time.  He gave us all the time he had, and I know now that it was a great sacrifice.  As I grew into an adult, Dad has learned to also give me words of affirmation.  For a boy - and a man - there are few things more valuable than to hear your Dad say, "I'm proud of you".  My Dad taught me that.

I hope I give to my kids the time and affirmation that my Dad has given to me.  He remains a great Dad, and I want to be a great Dad, too.

Finally, Susan gave me a really cool gift for Father's day  - The Book of Legends.  Legends from the Talmud and Midrash.  You might recognize this if you read Mark Batterson's The Circle Maker because this is where he learned about Honi the Circle Maker.  I can't wait to read some of this book!

You know, a great dad is also a Legend.  We may never make it into a 'book of legends', but to our kids, the Legend of a Great Dad is very real and very influential.  That's one of my greatest aspirations.

**My Mom was great, by the way, and we loved being with her, too.  I'm simply saying that I learned how to be a good Dad from my father.

A Stunning Adventure

One of the most unbelievable days Susan and I have had in a long time was yesterday.  We got up a little early, worked out at Gold's gym in Front Royal, then stopped by the Front Royal Canoe Company, a little adventure operation right on the river.  Susan wanted a shorter trip, but I thought we ought to go for it - a 11.5 mile trip down the winding river, over class 1 and class 2 rapids, with 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in our bag, a book and a Bible.  

It turned out to be spectacular, as you can see from the pictures above.  The Shenandoah is much like the James - shallow in many places, deeper in a few, with clear water awesome wildlife and friendly people.  The notable difference between the Shenandoah and the James (where we live) is the mountains.  The views are stunning.  

So we moseyed down the river, Susan giving me canoeing instructions (she used to teach it a camp many years ago), me paddling away.  One of the best parts of the day was reading the Bible together and talking some about how John portrays Jesus in a very different way than the synoptic gospels. 

Of course, any real adventure would have some unexpected parts.  It rained on us twice.  We got stuck on some rocks a few times.  We ventured close to a whole colony of sunning turtles and a group of cows cooling their hooves in the river. We even saw two folks sitting on their horses while their horses stood in the river - something I hadn't seen before.

And we rested.  And talked about where our life together has gone.  We talk a lot about the church, things that have happened, things we still hope to do.  We continued our journey through Replenish - a super valuable book, and read a lot of Grisham's book - that guy writes so well!  

But the highlight of our day yesterday was a 4+ hour canoe ride, alone, with our Bible, the mountains, our thoughts, and all the time in the world.  It sure does feel good to rest again.

REPLENISH

One book we started reading is Lance Witt's Replenish: Leading from a Healthy Soul. I bought it strictly on the title. Didn't really hear about it from anyone. But wow...what a timely book for me and Susan! We're not very far into it, but what we've read so far is outstanding. We each have a copy to make our own notes, but take turns reading it outloud to each other, and we talk through the questions at the end of each chapter. It's very reflective and introspective, but for a linear or concrete person, it has enough data to also be quite compelling. For example, Witt notes the following:

• 1,500 pastors leave the ministry permanently each month in America. (emphasis mine)
  
• 80% of pastors and 85% of their spouses feel discouraged in their roles.
• Over 50% of pastors' wives feel that their husband entering ministry was the most destructive thing to ever happen to their families.
• 71% of pastors stated they were burned out, and they battle depression beyond fatigue on a weekly or even a daily basis.
• [Only] One out of every ten ministers will actually retire as a minister.

For the record, for the past year or so, I have been in one of the most healthy places I've ever been. I have worked through some of my own internal struggles and issues (though the scars remain). I didn't feel discouraged or depressed (though there are always challenges, to be sure). Susan doesn't feel that ministry has been the most destructive thing to our family (neither do I, though there has certainly been a cost), I'm not burned out (just a little tired). In fact, I know I was born to do this and am in exactly the place and role where God wants me to be.

But the data is still startling. And the risk is still high. Ignoring it would be a huge mistake.

So, I appreciated the responsibility that Witt places on the leader. He quotes Quaker author Parker Palmer: "A leader is a person who must take special responsibility for what's going on inside of himself or herself...lest the act of leadership create more harm than good." Witt follows with a grave commentary: "When leaders neglect their interior life, they run the risk of prostituting the sacred gift of leadership. And they run the risk of being destructive instead of productive."

I particularly appreciated this one simple statement he made, "It's scary to realize that the path to external success and internal emptiness can be the same road."

So, I'm very much looking forward to the rest of this book and to processing through it with my best friend and the one who knows me better than anyone in the world.

Tomorrow, we're going to take a little canoe trip down the Shenandoah River, stopping along the way to read together and have a little picnic.

 

Detox

Yesterday was an amazing first day. Type-A, always-going, ADD and highly extroverted people like me require a certain ‘detox’ in order to really take an honest break. I can’t do that at home. I have to go away. At home, I always feel there is something to do – something calling to me. Bills, chickens, grass to mow, beds to weed and other landscaping stuff. Right now, just thinking about the stuff that’s accumulated under the carport (the place looks a little like Sanford and Sons), my big freezer needs to be defrosted, the pond pump quit running, the dryer vent needs to be replaced…it all calls to me. Going away allows me to relax because I cannot do those things.

Other things are a little harder. I have internet through my mobile hotspot, so not checking email requires discipline. I confess, I checked once already. Being tethered to the world is awful convenient, but it also becomes a sort of addiction. “Hi, I’m Brian and I’m a….” What do we call it? Connection-aholic? Email-aholic isn’t it, because there’s more than email. How about Smartphone-aholic? Tether-holic? I don’t know the word, but I do know the addiction – and I have it. And I bet a bunch of folks around me have it, too. Checking email is like looking at your to-do-list, because it’s filled with explicit and implicit things that must be done. Not necessarily by me, of course, but nevertheless, my mind makes its way through the maze of all the things that need to happen for this project to be a success, that ministry to be fully funded, that person to be faithfully equipped. “Do they know that they need to….” “Did anyone tell them to be careful of the….” Checking Facebook is like that, too.

Still, even though I’ve still got access, going away is a major plus. I’m less tempted in a far-off place, a peaceful environment. So, I have to separate myself. And that’s what the Lilly Foundation grant allowed me to do. They gave me enough money to really go away – and mostly stay away – for three months. This week, we came to the mountains – Susan’s favorite place to go. And I kind of like it, too.

We went for a 4 hour hike yesterday in a remote place in the middle of the wilderness and didn’t see anybody for the first 2 & ½ hours. The whole time, we only saw 3 other hikers. We took a few breaks, this is what it looked like:

And check out this view from the desk in my makeshift study this morning:

Yesterday, Susan and I read some of the Gospel of John to each other. We’ll do that every day through that book and all three of the Letters of John. And we started reading together John Grisham’s book The Litigators. That also helps me detox – read a fiction book is a great way for me to break the cycle of craziness I had built into my life. Today, we’ll continue those and we’ll start reading Replenish: Leading from a Healthy Soul, by Lance Witt.

I have so much to say. Might even have to post more than once a day sometimes. So grateful to be given this gift of time. See you tomorrow.

Welcome to our SOAL

It started with 90. Every day we would count down. Every night, when we fell exhausted into bed, one of us would ask the other, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" And the other would answer with an ever smaller number. "86" "77" "51". The closer that number approached zero, the more panicked we became, because - while 'tomorrow' was a smaller number, the to-do-list for 'today' was not.

We were counting down to our SOAL. This is what I've affectionally titled our 'Summer Of A Lifetime.' Today, we officially begin that journey - 12 weeks away from my daily responsibility at the church. Today, begins my Sabbatical. A Sabbatical is NOT a vacation. It's a time of study, bigger picture strategy formation for the church, and replenishment for my spiritual life. Yes, I'm going to have a LOT of fun. Some of it will be work related, as I figure out how we get PCC to the next place. Some of it will be pure fun with Susan and my family. (You can find out more about the Sabbatical by clicking here and you can see a special message from PCC's Steering Team by clicking here)

So, we started counting down at 90. When we got to 20, I wasn't sure I'd make it. At 14, I went into full panic mode and quit sleeping (seriously). At 7, I started eating only when I had to, and then only just a little. Nerves were shot. Mind was in overdrive. Body operating on pure adrenelin.

And then, the strangest thing happened. At 1pm on Sunday, after all the items on the to-do list were checked off, church was over, and I was ready to pull out of the parking lot, I sat in my car and checked email and facebook for one last time - just to be sure nothing had been missed. I read new messages from the prior several days from folks talking about the massive, life altering difference PCC has made in their lives. I sat in my car and cried. Truth be told, I sobbed. The weight of the past week finally off of my shoulders, the joy of knowing that I still matter. But more than that, the satisfaction of knowing that I don't carry it alone anymore, because of the people at PCC who also believe in what we do.

I'm not counting anymore. There were no numbers exchanged last night as we fell asleep. I'm going to find a new normal now. A more healthy normal.

For the next 3 months, my blog will take on a little different form. More soul (or SOAL) searching and the fleshing out of thoughts, ideas and feelings. There WILL be some informational posts, as some members of the staff have access to post about the good things happening at PCC. But from me, it will feel different. I hope you follow along my journey. We can stay connected this way.

I'll be back tomorrow, but tomorrow has no number!

 

The LITL Secret

Yesterday at PCC, we got to see four key elements that are key components of effectively sharing your faith.  They spell LITL: Location, Investment, Time and Lifestyle.  I won't rehash what I said - you can listen to the message by clicking here or watch the entire service by clicking here.

Today, I wanted to expand on a couple of things I didn't have time to fully explore.

Time.  The primary illustration I used yesterday was about James Nyangas, who digs wells for poverty stricken villages in Africa.  Putting your time into that kind of work really will give you a chance to share your faith in dramatic ways.  But you don't have to wait to go halfway around the world to invest time.

How does this practically work in every day life?  I'm glad you asked!

• You pass Bob in the hallway at work.  You know he's going through a hard time at home, mid-way through a bad divorce, and he's been struggling.  You have a full plate and a growing to-do list.  As you pass each other in the hallway, will you give Bob your precious time by asking, "How are you really doing?" knowing that he will take half an hour or more to tell you the same things he's already told you?  Deep down, you know that he really needs to talk a lot through this season in order to process what's happening with him and his life.  He needs a friend who's willing to listen patiently.  This is a moment that begs for your time investment.
• You are really good with kids, and you know they need help with coaches in the rec league.  Your own kids are no longer in that age group, but you also know that you have a chance to be a significant influence on parents and kids, and you suspect that will also open doors to share your faith.  This is a moment that begs for your time investment.
• You've heard about teenagers coming to PCC who come on their own, without a parent.  You've heard Angie talk about needing adults to invest some time into the lives of some teenagers, but you also know you have lots of other things you want to do.  This is a moment that begs for your time investment.
• So far, you've resisted all asks for you to open your home and host a small group.  While your neighbors have resisted your invitations to come to church, you have had several spiritual conversations with them and you suspect that they'd come to your home for burgers and a little spiritual conversation around a Small Group Bible study.  Still, you hate the thought of having to clean your house every week so folks can come over.  This is a moment that begs for your time investment.

There is an endless list of ways you can invest your TIME into people.  And if you are intentional about this, you WILL have chances to share your faith.  I am fully aware that none of us can say yes to every opportunity.  Yes, we should be selective.  But we cannot neglect to be faithful with giving time.  There is no other way to effectively share our faith.  

Invest your time in other people!

How and What To Share

Today, I talked about sharing your personal story of life change.  We used the text from John 9 about the blind man who couldn't answer all of the questions, but could bear witness to his experience, "I don't know a lotof things about Jesus, but I do know this: I was blind, but now I see."

Here is a brief outline of how you might learn to tell your story:

1. What my life was like before I met Jesus Christ?  You might talk about your circumstances, attitudes or things that were important to you.  Was there a 'substitute' for God in your life, like work, success, sex, money, drugs/alcohol, status or leisure?

2.  How I realized I needed Christ?  What were the markers or steps that led to your decision to follow Jesus? What was the defining thing (hurt, struggle, pain, problems, etc.) that was the impetus to your coming or being open to Him?

3.  How I committed my life to Christ?  What, specifically did you do to step across the line of faith?  What was the gist of the prayer you prayed (what did you say to God)?

4.  The difference it has made in my life.  This is where the rubber meets the road.  What benefits have you experienced or felt.  What problems have been resolved?  How has Jesus changed your life?**

I would highly recommend that you do the following:

1) Write out your story and learn to tell it.  Use the matrix above to help.

2) Choose one or 2 defining scriptures.  But whatever you do, don't just spit memorized Bible verses at people.  I'm talking about a text that moved you to your core when you needed God most.  For me, Romans 8:28 and Genesis 50:20 were it.  They teach that God can use ANYTHING in my life to bring good - even my horrible mistakes and terrible sin.  I know those texts and have them always in the front of my mind.

3) Practice telling your story to others in your small group.

4) Keep your eyes and ears open!  God wants to use your story - no matter what it is - to change the world!





**I borrowed and adapted this from Saddleback Community Church