More Thoughts on Listening
by Dr. Brian C. Hughes
Senior Pastor
In church today, we explored James' teaching on listening "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry..." (James 1:19, TNIV). I mentioned that I would give you additional resources before the end of the day. First, I wanted to make available a few of the phrases I used.
Peter Drucker says that the most important element of communication is what is not being said. Stephen Covey says to listen for feelings, not just words...to listen with your eyes, not just your ears. He also says that we affirm feelings through empathic listening, which is not a form of agreement. Covey's '5th Habit' is "seek first to understand, then to be understood."
Our job is to seek out spiritual truths through the pages of Scripture. James tells us to be quick to listen, but he doesn't tell us how. We have to wrestle with listening if we are to become good at it - like any muscle you might strengthen with exercise. Covey, Drucker, and others provide us resources to improving our listening skills and living out James' teaching.
Like learning to be proficient in math or fluent in a foreign language, there are critical elements to learning to be a good listener. The first is information. You and I have been trained to speak, write and read, but few of us has had any real training in listening. We need some basic teaching. For that, I recommend Steven Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. While only habit 5 deals specifically with listening, I find that all seven habits help me in this area. So powerful is this teaching that I bought the book on CD and listen to it every year, in January, as part of my personal growth plan. First published in 1989, the book has now sold over 15 million copies in 38 languages. You can find this resource at www.stephencovey.com and you can find information about the 5th habit at http://www.stephencovey.com/7habits/7habits-habit5.php.
The second part of the learning comes in the form of practice. You can't stop with knowledge, you have to change the way you listen (or the way you don't listen). So, find someone you can trust and say, "I want to be a better listener. Would you help me? Tell me when I am not listening to you, when you don't feel heard, when I start to make the conversation about me." And then let them coach you. Over time, you will find your skills improving.
I'd like to hear about your experiences if you want to share them, so give me some feedback. I'd love to listen...
4 comments:
What a great post. It's so true. I dug out my copy of 7 Habits and found where I had highlighted: "To relate effectively with a wife, a husband, children, friend, or working associates, we must learn to listen." and "Listening involves paitence, openness, and the desire to understand-". It's hard to REALLY listen to understand and not just sort of listen for a moment or two and then give an opinion or advice. I find that I really need to concentrate on staying quiet and process all of what I am hearing and the body language. Lately, when I realize I am not listening like I should, I often simply tell my wife that I wasn't completely paying attention and ask her to start over with what she is telling me. I have not gotten in trouble for this yet, just a puzzling look the first time I did it. But we seem to communicate a little better now and I am doing better with remembering what she tells me, which definitely keeps me out of trouble.
I received this through my email at work today and thought it was applicable to Brian's message yesterday:
"I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say."
"Don't talk so much. You keep putting your foot in your mouth. Be Sensible and turn off the flow!"
(Proverbs 10:19 TLB)
My journey of the past few months has been all about listening, specifically to God. He often directs us in ways we don't necessarily want to hear and it makes us uncomfortable. But when we do listen great things happen and a new understanding emerges. I am trying to listen so I can understand God's plan for my life. Thank you Brian for being one of his messengers.
What a great sermon and skit on Sunday! In the past few years I have read extensively about relationships. The best resources I have found, listed below, address not only how we listen but also how we speak. For anyone interested in learning more I recommend the following two resources. Enjoy. Teresa
Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt. This book describes Imago Relationship Therapy for couples but I find it helpful with all relationships.
Giving The Love That Heals by Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt. This book describes Imago Relationship Therapy for parent/child relationships but I also find it helpful with all relationships.
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