13 Ways To Ruin Your Life

Recently at PCC Brian spoke about pornography and the impact it can have on both an individual and a family.  Jarrod Jones has written a book about his own struggles in this area, and how he found the way out.

You can buy the book - but even better, you can download it for free.  If you're looking for a resource to help you or someone you know with issues of sexual temptation, this is a great start.  It's written by a guy, for guys - but it's got excellent insight into the issue from the perspective of someone who is striving to follow Christ in the mist of the challenges of 'real life'.

Click here to download the book for free.

Click here to find out more about Jarrod Jones. 

Everything At PCC

Here is video from the skit our dance team lead on Sunday at Powhatan Community Church. Major thanks to Christine Slate, who leads this team. If you're interested in getting involved in this area, contact the PCC office or email beth {at} powhatancc {dot} org.

The Way Out for the Enabler

Today we looked at a difficult subject. When someone we love is making poor choices, we will do anything to help them. Learning what actually helps and what, in fact, hurts them is important.

I highly recommend 2 books that you might get. If you can only get one, get the first one. But both are very good.

Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Families in Crisis by James Dobson
Extraordinary Relationships by Roberta Gilbert

I also recommend that you have a good counselor who is a Christ follower helping you navigate these waters.  If you don't know one, I can recommend a couple of excellent, licensed and experienced people.

Below are some notes from my message today and some additional things that I did not say. I hope this might help someone.

Enabler: one who, by virtue of their own actions, decisions, inaction or indecision, actually negatively contribute to the poor choices being made by their loved one. In other words, you are making the problem worse.

1 Corinthians 5:1-5 (MSG)
I also received a report of scandalous sex within your church family, a kind that wouldn't be tolerated even outside the church: One of your men is sleeping with his stepmother. And you're so above it all that it doesn't even faze you! Shouldn't this break your hearts? Shouldn't it bring you to your knees in tears? Shouldn't this person and his conduct be confronted and dealt with?

3 I'll tell you what I would do. Even though I'm not there in person, consider me right there with you, because I can fully see what's going on. I'm telling you that this is wrong. You must not simply look the other way and hope it goes away on its own. Bring it out in the open and deal with it in the authority of Jesus our Master.

4 Assemble the community—I'll be present in spirit with you and our Master Jesus will be present in power. 5 Hold this man's conduct up to public scrutiny. Let him defend it if he can! But if he can't, then out with him! It will be totally devastating to him, of course, and embarrassing to you. But better devastation and embarrassment than damnation. You want him on his feet and forgiven before the Master on the Day of Judgment.

The ‘family’ went for a strategy of ignore, excuse, appease and pretend  

Ignore. This is where I act as if I don’t notice your poor behavior in hopes that it will go away.

Excuse. This is where we take an action that is really bad and say that it’s not. Examples: “Oh, it’s only marijuana.” “Oh, they only drink a few every night.” “Oh, they are only images on a computer screen.” “Oh, he only hits me when he’s really mad.” “Oh, I’m sure she doesn’t really mean it when she tells the other guy she loves him.”

Appease. Appease is a way of buying off the problem by agreeing to a certain level of it. Bargaining, though, is actually counter-productive. James Dobson, in his book Love Must be Tough says, “Appeasement is virtually never successful in seeking to control the behavior of others. Attempts by one side to ‘buy off’ an aggressor or offender appear to represent peace proposals, but they merely precipitate further insult and conflict.” Examples: A teenager says that they will only drink and smoke pot, but no hard drugs - and his parents take the deal. A man tells his wife that it’s only porn – he’s not really sleeping around – and she takes the deal. A daughter tells her mom that she’ll be homeless without another serious injection of Mom’s money for the 3rd time in 4 years – and Mom takes the deal.

Pretend. This is the posture of the enabler to the outside world. At all costs, tell all the world that everything is fine – normal – wonderful. Pretend.

The real problem with these strategies is that the enabler is trying to maintain control over a life that is not theirs. The enabler artificially lowers the level of pain for the one who is making the poor choices.

But not all pain is bad.

You see, the best chance the one you love has at turning their life around requires that they realize the full measure of the consequences of their actions.  They have to feel the pain. Not punishment that you inflict, rather simply the pain they have brought on themselves.   Dobson calls this tough love. Not hateful or bitter, rather always loving, but always firm.

Why? Because real love puts the needs of the Loved over the needs of the Lover. Real love always does what is in their best interest.  

What to do:

1. Expose. Paul said, “Bring it out in the open and deal with it.” You have to get the real issue on the table. Call it what it is. Name their sin.

2. Differentiate. Each of us gets to choose how we will live our lives. Differentiation is a statement of great respect towards yourself and towards the other person. It says, “I get to choose how to live my life, and you get to choose how to live yours. I have decided that I won’t live this way anymore. I hope you decide to change your ways, but if you choose not to...”

3. Release. Perhaps this is the hardest part. Paul says, “...out with him! It will be totally devastating to him, of course, and embarrassing to you. But better devastation and embarrassment than damnation. You want him on his feet and forgiven before the Master on the Day of Judgment.” Release is where you actually allow the full pain of their action to be realized in their lives. Pain is a powerful motivator. As long as the pain level is kept below a certain threshold, a person will not change.


Example conversations for how this might be applied:  

“John, I love you, so this is excruciating for me, I won’t deny it. But it’s time we called this what it is. You are an addict. (name it – drugs, alcohol, porn). And I respect that you can choose to live your life however you want. In fact, I can see now that I’ve been trying to make you change through yelling, begging, ignoring, pretending and anything else I could think of. But I can see now that these were a way to get you to do what I want. So I want you to know that I won’t do those things anymore. You can live your life however you want…you are a grown man. But I get to choose how I will live my life, and I have decided that I will no longer live with an alcoholic. I will stand by you if you agree to get help – real help. But if you choose not to, you are going to have to leave….”

“Jennifer, though you are not yet an adult, you are clearly making your own decisions. Your mom and I respect that, and we recognize that there is little we can do to stop you from using drugs. But if we find them in your room one more time, we will call the police. If you come home after midnight, you will find the door locked and you will have to sleep somewhere else. If you talk to your mom that way again, we will work with the county to find you another place to live. These are your choices, and we understand if you make them. But we’re very serious about our choices and we will follow through.”

“Tim, you cannot have the other woman (or the women in your porn) and have me, you have to choose. I will no longer live like this. If you choose her, I wish you well, but you will need to move out. If you stay, you must agree to… But know this: if I ever find this again, you’ve got to go.”

No Perfect People Allowed

Guest blogger Beth Brawley serves PCC as the Director of Creative Arts. Following are her thoughts about John Burke's book No Perfect People Allowed.

Recently I took a few days away to do some reading and recalibrating.  Often, the pace of work at PCC is incredibly intense.  I've built into my schedule some study break time that allows me to do some long-range planning and programming. It's become a valuable asset in my striving to be and do all that I am called to in this season of life.

On my most recent break, I read several books (and reviewed each one on my blog, which you can visit here).  Brian had handed me a copy of John Burke's No Perfect People Allowed with a few encouraging words (something along the lines of, "Hey. You need to read this book.") So I did.

It was a great read, full of grace-filled stories that made me cry more than once. Burke is the lead pastor at Gateway Church in Austin, and as he writes about the role of the church in society he shares some incredibly compelling tales about his own experiences.

I took a minimal notes because I was drawn into the book more holistically than I expected. Initially I was underlining passages with glee - until I remembered that the book belonged to someone else (my pastor). I hope he doesn't mind that I wrote all over the first chapter in his book.  Oops.

Here are a few salient points from my reading - they impacted me greatly for reasons having to do with my personal process as a Christ-follower, as well as reasons having to do with the mission of Powhatan Community Church:

• Burke quotes Barna in a profound statement about the church's role in today's world: "(...the role the church must play is) that of a loving, authoritative, healing and compelling influence on the world." Boy, I love that - loving, authoritative, healing and compelling. Sounds a lot like Jesus.
• Truth has become relational. That's why our stories matter so much. Jesus manifests His presence through His work in people's lives.
• We are dealing with a generation of chaos, often a result of a lack of trust. So many people have been damaged by families and relationships - how can they easily trust in God?
• People resist arrogance - one of the questions they will ask when they look at Christians is, "Do I want to be like you?" If the answer is no, we have a problem.
• Burke says "Nothing has been more difficult for me than to watch people react in destructive ways to brokenness." Acting out of brokenness - even as a believer - can destroy you. The church must be a lighthouse of hope.
• Burke says, "Statements like 'Christ died for your sins' and 'God so loved the world' have been leached of all meaning for today's seekers." They won't believe it until they experience it from those who claim to follow Him.
• "To create a culture of grace, a leader must first experience grace - then give it out liberally." (Excuse me for a moment while I thank God for this, which has been my experience and which has been the impetus for my present situation. For which I am thankful, and by which I am overwhelmed....)
• Give up trying to fix people. Accept and love them in order to reconnect them with God.
• In order to lead others, you have to willingly follow God.

The book's most compelling section is titled Mental Monogamy: Creating a Culture of Sexual Wholeness. It's a fascinating, honest look at the way culture interprets and internalizes sexual behavior. Burke quotes Mike Starkey, who says, "Ours is a culture crying out for intimacy, but only able to conceive of accessing it through sex." It's a great discussion of why God's wisdom and ways bring life, and how that applies to our sexuality. Burke focuses on helping people become rightly related to God and truly willing to follow Christ, then guiding them to the freedom of following his ways. He says, "If we try to force people to morally approximate the gospel before they have the source of life-giving water, we spiritually dehydrate them." It's a great examination of why and how God's plan for sexual wholeness comes with the mandate for sexual intimacy to be within the confines of the marriage bed, and how the church can create a culture for restoration and sexual wholeness so that God's spirit can change hearts and heal lives.

Good stuff; lots of inspiration here for ministry, for our church, for the future. Burke's book is incredibly moving, with powerful stories from real people who were turned off by Christians and by the church, but drawn to into relationship with Jesus once the cultural clutter was cleared away.

Brian asked me to post here in order to do to you what he did to me.  If you're passionate about PCC; if you're part of the Core group of leaders; if you want to better understand how the church can most effectively function in a post-modern world, take it from me:  YOU NEED TO READ THIS BOOK.

Click here, order it from Amazon and enjoy.  And let us know what you think.

Teens And Porn

Guest blogger Angie Frame is Pastor to Students at PCC.  Her interaction with teens gives her unique perspective and insight regarding spiritual and emotional issues.  Here are her thoughts regarding the issue of pornography and its effect on students.

This past Sunday Brian addressed the issue of pornography, especially how it affects adults. However, many people who view pornography as adults began viewing it as preteens or teenagers. Therefore, it is helpful to examine the issue of pornography from the preteen and teen perspective. Some of these students view pornography purposefully and for gratification, others do so accidentally (at first) or for curiosity. Preteens are very curious about sexuality, and pornography offers a crash course in the human body and sex. For example, I’ve heard of middle school students hearing slang sex terms on the bus, then coming home and Googling those terms just to see what they mean. What they got was an introduction to pornography.

Not all that long ago, young people got access to porn by sneaking a dad’s Playboy or erotic video collection. Now it’s just a click away. One of our students blogged about this Sunday’s service, and she said that students use porn much more than drugs and alcohol.

You’ve likely heard recent news coverage about teens taking nude or partially nude photos of themselves or others on their camera phones. This is a new way for students to view pornography, but it’s also the most potentially harmful way. Now a girl takes a photo of herself and sends it to her boyfriend (or vice versa). This is problematic even if the photo is only viewed by the intended recipient. The problem gets bigger when the recipient then forwards the photo to other people. Imagine if a photo of your teenage daughter’s chest was circulating around the high school. Imagine the humiliation your whole family would feel. This has happened at Powhatan High School and probably the junior high, too; I just don’t know of any specific examples.

Pornography is easily accessible to young people today, and it negatively affects their lives and relationships. The consequences of viewing pornography are felt by users of all ages, not just married adults. One student put it this way, “I feel like I’ve been living a double life.” The guilt, shame, and weight of carrying around such a secret can affect a student’s personality and interactions with other people.

Two books you may consider purchasing to address this issue are Every Young Man’s Battle and Every Young Woman’s Battle. Here are some excerpts:

“Almost every day I would go back to the naked picture files in my brain and view the collection…It felt like the women weren’t real people to me. I didn’t see them as fully human; they were just something to give me physical pleasure.”

“I learned the hard way that when you fill your mind with sexual images, you awaken sexual desires that should only be entertained and fulfilled within marriage.”

Viewing pornography as a preteen or teenager causes guilt and shame, breeds an unhealthy and unrealistic view of the human body and sexuality, and sets students up for problems in their future marriages. 

If anyone would like to discuss this issue further, feel free to contact me at angie{at)powhatancommunitychurch{dot}org.

Experiencing Tanzania - And More

Guest blogger Jeanette Brannan.

Jeanette Brannan and her husband Mel have been at PCC since its beginning. Together, Mel and Jeanette have been small group leaders. Jeanette served on the Steering Team and led the Communications Team; Mel is one of our trustees. While still committed to PCC as their home church, both Mel and Jeanette have been led to serve in ways outside the walls of PCC. In Jeanette's case, her mission has led her thousands of miles and an entire continent away from Powhatan.

Many years ago, Jeanette felt that God wanted her to serve people in mission work. She remained focused on local activities and her family but never escaped that gentle nudge towards a specific place - Africa. In 2007, when Tim Dickson organized a trip to serve others in Tanzania, Jeanette responded to years of whispers from God, and she went to Africa. Since that time, her passion for a country and a people in need has exploded.

After her return from the 2008 trip to Tanzania, she felt God leading her to do more than go on mission trips. The result was the formation of Tanzania Health & Humanitarian Fund (TanzaniaHHF), which targets medical, educational and missional needs in Tanzania. Recently, Jeanette returned from her second trip to Tanzania, where she ventured into new territories, further explored needs and deepened relationships with Christian leaders who serve as points of contact for TanzaniaHHF. Through donations to TanzaniaHHF, orphans are being educated and four young adults are continuing studies at a seminary in southern Tanzania. Jeanette distributed over three hundred mosquito nets through joint contributions of Powhatan Community Church and Bethel Baptist Church. A church school is being completed in Arusha, Tanzania as a result of the partnership between PCC and TanzaniaHHF. In addition, TanzaniaHHF is encouraging other partnerships and sponsoring fundraisers for the repair of the UHAI Medical Clinic in southern Tanzania and the purchase of necessary medicines and medical equipment.

These photos and reflections are inspired by Jeanette's recent trip. If you'd like more information about the Tanzania Health & Humanitarian Fund, you can visit their website (www.TanzaniaHHF.org), or if you're interested in having Jeanette share her experiences with your family, church or small group, you can contact her through PCC (804-598-1174).

Being blessed rather than blessing, being inspired rather than inspiring, and being changed rather than changing. If you’ve ever been on a mission trip, you know very well these feelings. Perhaps you’ve had some other situation or relationship that has catapulted you to that next spiritual level – one that will always give you a different perspective of life, of possessions, and of relationships – most importantly your relationship with Jesus Christ.

No, I didn’t climb Mount Kilimanjaro or go on a safari, but I did experience spiritual pinnacles and unchartered territories while in Tanzania for three weeks in March! This trip also provided a meaningful time for relationship building and information gathering. Although I was hosted by and traveled with missionaries Elton and Barbara Cooke, I did miss having other team members to share those funny, edgy, tearful, God-filled moments, such as...

Being in the middle of nowhere and suddenly having no car brakes.

Walking along a path in the middle of another nowhere and being told wild animals are seen often in the area (yes, including lions!)

Being grateful I could slip my fatty pieces of tough goat meat to my friend Frank sitting next to me (He loves it!)

Perfecting the art of taking a shower with two bottles of water.

Sensing the fearful agony of the 14 year-old female student whose only question is whether a girl in America is allowed to return to school after she has a baby.

Having a small child cling to me and not want to loosen his grip around my neck.

Holding an infant whose family lives in an abandoned shell of a house with no roof and nothing inside.

Wanting to “rescue” the child whose eyes tell his brief story of hopelessness.

Crying as I observe how lack of funding can limit the effectiveness and sanitation of an essential clinic.

Feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit while surrounded by Maasai warriors.

Sitting on a dusty, red-clay jagged rock while listening to perfectly harmonized voices resonating against crumbling brick walls as though in the most acoustically designed theater.

Tearing up as I look at the orphan’s mud-covered bare feet, torn clothing and runny nose until I see his bright broad smile and shining eyes, and I realize my tears are not of pity but of joy for the blessing he has just given me.

Hearing thirty people praying simultaneously in their native tribal tongue while I, who doesn’t know their language, understand exactly what they are praying.

Being grateful for the opportunity to experience love for someone from whom I receive nothing but the essence of Christ’s love.

Having a grateful and proud heart for the partnership of PCC and TanzaniaHHF in completing the church school building.

Feeling moved to make a difference but realizing the difference has occurred within me.

Yes, there is no doubt I am changed and because I am changed, I am compelled to make a difference. If you would like to consider taking a leap of faith on a mission trip to Tanzania in March 2010, or if you are interested in becoming involved with other activities and events to support the needs in Tanzania, please contact me at jmbrannan{at}comcast{dot}net or check out our website at www.TanzaniaHHF.org.

Important Notes on a Difficult Subject

Today at church, we looked at the issue of pornography. It was a tough day, wasn't it? Still, God showed up and some people got the answers they needed. Pray that they would execute the decisions they made today. God never robs us of our ability to choose the direction of our lives. This choice - the choice to stop looking at porn - is difficult. Like any addiction, it requires firm resolve.

I do need to clarify two things I said today, both during the first service. Then I want to give you a brief outline of the steps, scripture and a link that I referred to today.

Clarification #1:  I mentioned that I had gotten an unusual number of responses ahead of this Sunday's message.  (usually they come after)   Then I said something like, "I'm not surprised by who I heard from, but by how many people I heard from."  Man...if I could have that one over again!  The words just didn't communicate the thought, and sometimes that happens.  What I was trying to relay was that I don't stand in shock of anything anyone tells me...that there is no measure of disappointment or judgment on my part toward anyone to tells me that they struggle with this (or any other) sin.  

I am really sorry if this statement offended someone...I honestly just didn't communicate what I intended.  (By the way:  many people over the years have asked me why I write out - in manuscript - my messages...this is why!  I had an ad lib moment and got tangled up.)

Clarification #2:  During the first service, I did not mention that you need to come clean with anyone other than your spouse, but I intended to.  Coming clean is important for married and for single people alike.   You need to put some people in your life who you grant permission to hold you accountable.  

I'm really glad that we have such an effective team.  It was because of two people on our team that I even caught these two things and was able to fix them before the second service.

Now to the notes for today.  For you or someone you know who struggles with porn, you need to do five things.  Here they are, with scripture references and links.

First, using Genesis 2:9, 3:6-7 we concluded that porn was not just a sin of sight, but of the combination of  God-given qualities:  vision (sight), imagination, and sexuality.  

Definition:  The sin of pornography is in the combining of natural, God-given characteristics and using them in very ungodly ways. Specifically, when you mix together vision, imagination and sexuality, and you apply that potion in a way other than God had in mind, you are playing with fire.  

References:  Genesis 2:9, 3:6-7, Matthew 6:22-23

Five Steps To Beating Your Porn Problem:

1. Commit.  Make a firm commitment to stop.  Job 31:1 says  "I made a solemn pact with myself never to undress a girl with my eyes."  (The Message)  Make a promise to yourself and to God – a solemn pact, a sacred oath - that this day marks the end of porn for you.  No more Internet surfing, no more steamy romance novels, no more fantasy conversations in chat rooms, no more late night movies, no more letting your imagination run with images that bombard you in everyday life, no more anything that causes you to lust after someone else.

2.  Quit.  Quitting requires putting the mechanisms in place to ensure you keep your commitment.  Matthew 18:8-9 says "If your hand or your foot causes you to sin cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell." 

If you have to get rid of your computer, turn off the satellite or cable, quit your job or throw out the TV, it will be worth it.  Do whatever it takes to finally and completely quit.  

3. Come Clean.  Come clean with your spouse. Come clean with a few friends.  People close to you already know there is a problem.  And someone close to you (like your spouse) probably already knows what it is.  Tell them.  Apologize.  Ask for help.  Matthew 10:26 says"...There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known."  Jesus also said, "You will know the truth and the truth will set you free."

4. Connect with God. James 4:8a says, "Come near to God and he will come near to you." 

5. Confess. 1 John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

There are a number of resources available for those who struggle with pornography or have someone in your family who does. If you click here you can find some help.

I also recommend an Internet accountability device, like eyepromise.  Take a look at this video.