Dancing in the Mindfields

Yesterday, we got to see one of the best music video's I've ever experienced. It is one of the best songs about marriages that go the distance, and its message is moving and inspiring.

I first saw this video and heard the song at the same time. On September 11, 2010, Beth Stoddard sent an email to Susan and me. In the message line it said, "Do you trust me?" Beth doesn't dramatize things in emails like this, so I knew this was important. Here's the email:

"Sometime today, grab one of your laptops.

Sit down together, side by side.

Hold hands. THIS PART IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. Hold each others' hands.

Make sure the volume is up so you can hear clearly - and turn off anything else that will compete with this sound.

Click here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NtTa81LyuQM

I love you both. I watched this and cried. This is my prayer for both of you today.

By the way, this is the "Silence of God" guy...."

As I said yesterday, it was incredibly moving for us. It came at a moment when we were struggling to find some sense of balance. We were both working at an insane pace with an insane schedule. It was really starting to bother me. I knew something had to change.

One of the things we did was begin to entrust our struggle with some very good friends. Not many. It's complicated, you know, when you are the pastor and his wife, who also happens to be on the staff. But we gathered around us some trusted friends and others who could support us and help guide us back to health.

I'm so grateful to Andrew Peterson for writing this song (which came after a fight with his wife, by the way). And I'm grateful for good friends like Beth who helped us along the way. Hope this video helps you, too.

Don't Settle for a Mediocre Marriage

Today's subject remains one of my favorite. And while I believe we need to address issues that are specific to single folks, I also believe that when we strengthen marriages, we make everybody better, and everyone wins.

Here is a recap of today's message. Tomorrow, I'll give you the references to the books I've recently read or am currently reading on marriage.

I mentioned 3 things you could do to move from mediocrity to greatness in your marriage. These aren't meant to be quick fixes. Some marriages need a lot of time and effort to begin to feel great again. If your marriage is in bad shape, it likely didn't get that way overnight, and it won't become great overnight, either. But slowly, with high commitment and sacrifice, there is a great reward for the work. Here were my 3 suggestions:

1) Elevate Your Spouse's Value. Genesis 2:18-24. The Hebrew word from which we get 'helper' means a counterpart, a mirror resemblance, neither higher nor lower than, but in all things equal to. There is no implied inferiority in the word. God created both of you in His image. Both of you.

Exercise: List 3 positive qualities that you have ever seen in your spouse. Just 3. No more and no less. There can be a hundred choices...sexy, loving, caring, kind, selfless, handsome, macho, strong, determined, confident...the list goes on and on. Now, list at least one specific instance when you remember your spouse displaying that quality. Calendar some time together - an hour, or better yet, a date night. The agenda is to each share your 3 things. Don't just name them, but share the details that you remember. Nothing negative. Just positive things. You'll be amazed at the impact it has.

2) Say great things about them and to them. This isn't the same as the first point. That one looks back to the past. This one is ongoing. It's designed to get you into the habit of regularly complimenting your spouse. The idea here is not to be phony, even though it may not be natural at first. The Scripture was Prov. 31:28-29 and Song of Solomon 1:9-10, 4:1-3.

Exercise: Say something nice every day for a week about your spouse, to them, and in a different way each day. Leave a card. Write with soap on the bathroom mirror. Leave a note for them in the front seat of their car. Send a text. Write on her Facebook wall.

3) Eliminate some Distractions. I almost worded this as "Decrease Distractions and Increase Attention" That's the point. Marriages are bombarded by distractions. Kids. Work. Home Maintenance. TV. Then we added serious technological complications by being tethered to our smartphones 24/7 and the constant need to have our laptops. A good friend tells me it's impossible for them to go 24 hours without checking email. I adamantly disagree. Tell the one's who need to know how to reach you if there's an emergency and then...TURN THE THING OFF. That's my issue, it might not be yours. But let me say this: if it's a problem for your spouse, it's a problem for you.

The Vow of Purity

Vow 4: The Vow of Purity. I promise to confide in you and not hide from you.

Many of the references in this series came from the popular book, Marriage on the Rock by Jimmy and Karen Evans AND from Craig Groeschel's messages that were also based on that book.

Some notes from yesterday's message. I hope they are a help to you:

First, the books I referenced were For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn and For Men Only by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn. Both are available on Amazon and other places. They are easy to find.

Second, the text we discussed was:

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. (Genesis 2:24-25, NIV)

Hebrew for shame: to be ashamed; to feel completely worthless.
To have No Shame = naked, transparent, intimate, genuine, authentic, valued for who I am.

Third, and finally, here is the graphic I developed and used:

Simply Romantic Nights

I referenced a tool yesterday that I highly recommend to any couple who has been married for more than two or three years.  It will seriously help add some creativity to your marriage and it will be a lot of fun.  It's called Simply Romantic Nights.  Click here to go to the familylife website where you can order it.  Go for it! 

The Vow of Priority

Today, I said "To really be fulfilled in life, you have to find the ONE."  According to Jesus, God is the One.

Jesus replied: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment." (Matthew 22:37-38, NIV)

God didn't necessarily prescribe what goes in the #3 slot, or 4, 5, 6, or 7. But He clearly prescribes who should own the #1 position: Himself. God is the ONE.

The other position He prescribes is the second slot.

Jesus said, "And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" (Matthew 22:39, NIV)

And, in Genesis 2:24 (NIV), "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."

When you put all this together, it's pretty clear: Your spouse is the TWO.

Now, I urge you to pray for the next five days (or five out of seven days this week).  If you are married, I am asking you to try praying together with your spouse.  If you are not married, you are welcome to pray alone or pray with a friend.  I'm going to give you some tips below and a suggestion about what to pray for today (or for your first day).  Tomorrow I'll give you more help and together, we'll see some great things happen this week. 

First, for married folks who are uncomfortable or not used to praying together, here are some steps you might want to use at first:

1)  One of you has to ask the other if they want to pray.  I suggest that this comes from the husband, but it doesn't have to.  If your spouse asks this question, there is only one answer:  'YES'.  (If, however, your spouse says no, don't push it.  Just go and pray alone.)

2)  There are three ways to do this:

1. 'One person prays for both of you'.  In this case, one of you prays on behalf of you both.  The one who is silent is not observing, but simply agreeing in prayer with what the other is saying.  In other words, your silence is not passive...you ARE participating in the prayer, just not with words.
   
2. 'You dial and I'll hang up'.  In this prayer, one of you begins and the other one finishes.  If you are 'hanging up', how do you know when it's your turn?  Well, the other person should squeeze your hand or maybe say 'amen' so that you know it's your turn.
3. 'Conversational Prayer'.  This is where you both pray out loud, interchangeably.  It's the two of you talking to God, very freely, very conversationally.  When one of you senses that the prayer is ending, you simply say something like, "We pray in Jesus name, Amen."  

3)  When the prayer is over, you might share a kiss or a hug and talk about what it was like to pray together and what it meant to you.

Tips on Prayer:

1)  Prayer is not magic.  It's simply you and God talking together.  It might be uncomfortable, but it isn't complicated.  

2)  We bow or kneel in reverence.  I like to think about the idea that I'm in the presence of the King.  Royalty is in the room.  I bow because of that.  (I have often taken prayer walks, though, so it really depends on the situation.)  I also close my eyes out of reverence and for another reason - it helps keep me from being distracted.  There is nothing magical about closing my eyes.  I have prayed many times with my eyes open, for all kinds of reasons.  But for the sake of this exercise, I recommend you close your eyes and bow or kneel.

3)  If it comes from the heart, you cannot get it wrong.  I'm serious.  There is no 'wrong' way to pray, unless it's not sincere.  So just say to God whatever you want - whatever is on your mind.

Prayer guide for today 

(This is just a suggestion; you can do it any way you want):

Theme:  Pray that God would be #1 and that your spouse (if you're married) would be #2.

For Married and Single people:

I suggest that your prayer begin with a time of thanksgiving.  Thank God for the ways that He has blessed your life, and acknowledge that all Good things come from Him.  So, you might thank him for your friends, your spouse, kids, family, church, job, stuff, house...whatever.  Sometimes, when I pray, I like to be quiet for a minute while I'm thanking God and let Him remind me of something I wouldn't normally think of.  

Next, I suggest you begin by confessing to God anything you feel has taken the #1 slot.  Ask Him to forgive you and to show you how to make Him a priority in your life.  

Then (if you are married) confess to God any way you feel you have allowed your spouse to get pushed from their rightful place as #2 (kids, career, recreation, etc.).  Ask Him to help you re-prioritize your life.  Ask Him to show you what to do, and make a commitment to Him that if He will clearly tell you what He wants you to do, you will do whatever He asks.   

Finally, ask God to help you be faithful to Him this week.  I often say something like, "God, open my eyes today and for the next few days.  I really want to see you working around me.  Help me not to miss what is happening."  I can't tell you how many times God has answered that prayer with an acute awareness and I saw Him working where I would never have seen Him before.

Now, when the prayer is over, let me encourage you to journal or to discuss with your spouse (or  both) and list no more than 3 concrete things that you feel God is leading you to change to make God #1 and your spouse #2.  You will use this list in your prayer tomorrow, so you really need to do it.

For the unmarried person, remember this:  If your future includes marriage, God already knows who that person is.  You might pray about that, too!  

Hope this helps.  I'll have more to say tomorrow.