A few more thoughts on friends...

I talked on Sunday about friends - REAL friends - the kind who love you no matter what, tell you the truth about yourself, and point you towards God. (see Prov 17:17, Prov 27:17, Ecc 4:9-12, just to get you started)

The question is: HOW do you find a friend like that?

I find the path towards this kind of friendship to be a combination of invitation, awareness and intentionality, all spiraling together in a cycle that takes my friendships to deeper levels. It happens like this: I'm aware of who is around me, make intentional investment in someone as a way of investigating (more on that below), invitation to that person to "hold me accountable" "push me on this" "ask me the hard questions" etc. Now, this is a cliff notes version of this process, but it does happen like that.

During the awareness stage, I'll be in some setting with people having more than a casual conversation and I'll think, "I really like hanging out with Bob." (I know this does not sound very macho, but it happens to all of us. We just don't always name it. I'm arguing that you SHOULD name it). Sometimes after being with some other couples, Susan and I will say, "you know, it would be fun to get to know Bob and Kathy a little more." This is an awareness statement. (for more on the kind of people you want to be around, you might check out the little book "How Full Is Your Bucket" by Tom Rath)

Once you are aware, you make an intentional investment. Ask Bob to have lunch. Invite the couple over for dinner. Play a round of golf. This sounds like a no-brainer, but most people do it accidentally. I'm talking about doing it as an intentional part of your search for a friend. If this sounds creepy to you, get over it. How's the friend search been going so far? Try something new and you might get better results. During your time together, talk about Bob's background and yours. Just as a way of getting to know each other. Again, guys especially will think, "yea, this sounds like of girly to me" But I know lots of guys - especially pastors - who are friendless. This matters. Do it.

Finally, you start to make some invitations. As your friendship goes deeper, your invitations get more serious and more intrusive (in a positive way). Recently a friend asked me repeatedly, "Just hold me accountable on this." What he was doing was inviting me to not let him back off of an important thing he needed to do. You can do this, too. Start small. "Bob, you know we've been talking about the fact that I haven't taken Margie out on a date for 3 months. I know it's important to her, but I always have other things to do. I wonder if you'd be willing to just ask me every time we talk, 'have you taken Margie out yet'. Just knowing that I've got someone holding me accountable will help me do what I KNOW I need to do." Bob will probably say yes, because it's a low level commitment on his part. And you'll probably make the date happen next week. So your marriage benefits while your more healthy because of your friendship.

Now, two final notes:

1) You cannot own someone else's problems or be responsible for their life - I don't care how close the friendship is. I tell my friends that I'm with them, that I hurt when they hurt, that I'll do anything I can to help. I mean every one of those things. But at the end of the day, Bob gets to make his own choices. I can't MAKE him do anything.

2) Friends make lousy counselors. We're biased. We want to take someone's head off for hurting our friend. We want to act on their behalf. We're too close. If your friend is messed up (and I have been and some of my friends have been), send them to a good counselor. You will still be their friend. But the'll have a counselor, too.

I think I could talk about this for hours. But I'll stop here. Hope it helps.

The Friend who Calls Again...

I have a very close friend who is the Senior Pastor of a church like ours. This is someone who knows me well, and we've earned the right to poke around in each other's lives to help keep our lives healthy. We have permission to ask questions - sometimes hard or uncomfortable questions - to ensure we're not pretending, living duplicitously, or wearing a mask.

So Monday he calls me. We usually talk every week or two - sometimes about nothing, other times there is an agenda or a specific reason that's church related. "I'm just calling to check on you" he said. (this was prior to yesterday's blog post, by the way). "I'm good," I replied. I shared some frustration I was having with message preparation and a couple of other church things and shared a piece of personal good news I had gotten. But twice more during our 15 minute conversation he asked, "Are you sure you're ok?" I peeled a layer each time, but pretty much ended where I started - "I'm ok. I'm doing well."

Later that evening, my phone again and his name was on the screen. "I had to call you back," he said. "Since we talked earlier, I kept thinking about our conversation and...I'm just not sure you were completely honest with me earlier about being OK. I'm not sure you're telling me everything."

Everybody needs a friend like that!

A real friend calls again. He or she risks ticking you off by making that statement: "I'm not sure you told me the truth." And some people do get offended by such a question. But smart people would never rebuff such an inquiry from a good friend, because we understand that their motive is to help you take your mask off...and sometimes you don't even know you're wearing it.

I wasn't deliberately hiding anything...but the call pressed me to take a harder look, talk through some things, and see what I previously was missing. He prayed for me and I hung up and thought, "Now that is a good friend."

Real friends call again. If you don't have a friend like that, be deliberate. While this is true for everyone...Pastors - this is especially a message for you, because I know many of you don't have a friend who calls again. That kind of friendship won't usually happen for you on its own...you have to be intentional. Those kinds of friends are around, and even though they take time to develop, they are worth it.

Friends

We could do an entire series on Friends - there are so many examples in the Bible of functional and dysfunctional friendships. And there are a lot of straight teachings about what it means to be in real, authentic community and healthy friendships. I think about David and Jonathan, Paul and Silas, Barnabas and John Mark. I'm also reminded of this quote from Relationships by the Parrotts':

"Actually, what many people call their 'circle of friends' more closely resembles a triangle. Many people have contact with between 500 and 2,500 acquaintances each year, representing the base of the triangle. Then there are the 20 to 100 'core friends' in the middle. These we know by first name, and we see them somewhat regularly. At the top of the triangle are one to seven intimate friends. These people are closely involved in our lives, and their names are likely engraved on our hearts."

Yesterday, I shared my 4 litmus tests for friendship yesterday, saying friends are:

1) Mobile. They show up when you need them in spite of cost or inconvenience or danger.

2) Loyal. They believe the best about you.

3) Truthful. Because they are mobile and loyal, they earn the right to tell you the truth about...you.

4) Spiritual. A real friend always points my life towards God.

If you think about it, you don't really have time or emotional space in your life for more than a handful of people in the top of your triangle - to use the Parrotts' analogy. So, among the people you call friends, do they pass these tests? Are there other criteria you would apply? What other Biblical principles or examples are important to you? How would you go about finding great friends? Is it appropriate to let a 'friendship' go if it's not a real friendship? How would you go about doing that? What's the most healthy way to do that?

These are worthwhile questions to consider for all of us.