I highly recommend 2 books that you might get. If you can only get one, get the first one. But both are very good.
Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Families in Crisis by James Dobson
Extraordinary Relationships by Roberta Gilbert
I also recommend that you have a good counselor who is a Christ follower helping you navigate these waters. If you don't know one, I can recommend a couple of excellent, licensed and experienced people.
Below are some notes from my message today and some additional things that I did not say. I hope this might help someone.
Enabler: one who, by virtue of their own actions, decisions, inaction or indecision, actually negatively contribute to the poor choices being made by their loved one. In other words, you are making the problem worse.
1 Corinthians 5:1-5 (MSG)
I also received a report of scandalous sex within your church family, a kind that wouldn't be tolerated even outside the church: One of your men is sleeping with his stepmother. And you're so above it all that it doesn't even faze you! Shouldn't this break your hearts? Shouldn't it bring you to your knees in tears? Shouldn't this person and his conduct be confronted and dealt with?
3 I'll tell you what I would do. Even though I'm not there in person, consider me right there with you, because I can fully see what's going on. I'm telling you that this is wrong. You must not simply look the other way and hope it goes away on its own. Bring it out in the open and deal with it in the authority of Jesus our Master.
4 Assemble the community—I'll be present in spirit with you and our Master Jesus will be present in power. 5 Hold this man's conduct up to public scrutiny. Let him defend it if he can! But if he can't, then out with him! It will be totally devastating to him, of course, and embarrassing to you. But better devastation and embarrassment than damnation. You want him on his feet and forgiven before the Master on the Day of Judgment.
The ‘family’ went for a strategy of ignore, excuse, appease and pretend
Ignore. This is where I act as if I don’t notice your poor behavior in hopes that it will go away.
Excuse. This is where we take an action that is really bad and say that it’s not. Examples: “Oh, it’s only marijuana.” “Oh, they only drink a few every night.” “Oh, they are only images on a computer screen.” “Oh, he only hits me when he’s really mad.” “Oh, I’m sure she doesn’t really mean it when she tells the other guy she loves him.”
Appease. Appease is a way of buying off the problem by agreeing to a certain level of it. Bargaining, though, is actually counter-productive. James Dobson, in his book Love Must be Tough says, “Appeasement is virtually never successful in seeking to control the behavior of others. Attempts by one side to ‘buy off’ an aggressor or offender appear to represent peace proposals, but they merely precipitate further insult and conflict.” Examples: A teenager says that they will only drink and smoke pot, but no hard drugs - and his parents take the deal. A man tells his wife that it’s only porn – he’s not really sleeping around – and she takes the deal. A daughter tells her mom that she’ll be homeless without another serious injection of Mom’s money for the 3rd time in 4 years – and Mom takes the deal.
Pretend. This is the posture of the enabler to the outside world. At all costs, tell all the world that everything is fine – normal – wonderful. Pretend.
The real problem with these strategies is that the enabler is trying to maintain control over a life that is not theirs. The enabler artificially lowers the level of pain for the one who is making the poor choices.
You see, the best chance the one you love has at turning their life around requires that they realize the full measure of the consequences of their actions. They have to feel the pain. Not punishment that you inflict, rather simply the pain they have brought on themselves. Dobson calls this tough love. Not hateful or bitter, rather always loving, but always firm.
Why? Because real love puts the needs of the Loved over the needs of the Lover. Real love always does what is in their best interest.
1. Expose. Paul said, “Bring it out in the open and deal with it.” You have to get the real issue on the table. Call it what it is. Name their sin.
2. Differentiate. Each of us gets to choose how we will live our lives. Differentiation is a statement of great respect towards yourself and towards the other person. It says, “I get to choose how to live my life, and you get to choose how to live yours. I have decided that I won’t live this way anymore. I hope you decide to change your ways, but if you choose not to...”
3. Release. Perhaps this is the hardest part. Paul says, “...out with him! It will be totally devastating to him, of course, and embarrassing to you. But better devastation and embarrassment than damnation. You want him on his feet and forgiven before the Master on the Day of Judgment.” Release is where you actually allow the full pain of their action to be realized in their lives. Pain is a powerful motivator. As long as the pain level is kept below a certain threshold, a person will not change.
Example conversations for how this might be applied:
“John, I love you, so this is excruciating for me, I won’t deny it. But it’s time we called this what it is. You are an addict. (name it – drugs, alcohol, porn). And I respect that you can choose to live your life however you want. In fact, I can see now that I’ve been trying to make you change through yelling, begging, ignoring, pretending and anything else I could think of. But I can see now that these were a way to get you to do what I want. So I want you to know that I won’t do those things anymore. You can live your life however you want…you are a grown man. But I get to choose how I will live my life, and I have decided that I will no longer live with an alcoholic. I will stand by you if you agree to get help – real help. But if you choose not to, you are going to have to leave….”
“Jennifer, though you are not yet an adult, you are clearly making your own decisions. Your mom and I respect that, and we recognize that there is little we can do to stop you from using drugs. But if we find them in your room one more time, we will call the police. If you come home after midnight, you will find the door locked and you will have to sleep somewhere else. If you talk to your mom that way again, we will work with the county to find you another place to live. These are your choices, and we understand if you make them. But we’re very serious about our choices and we will follow through.”
“Tim, you cannot have the other woman (or the women in your porn) and have me, you have to choose. I will no longer live like this. If you choose her, I wish you well, but you will need to move out. If you stay, you must agree to… But know this: if I ever find this again, you’ve got to go.”
Below are some notes from my message today and some additional things that I did not say. I hope this might help someone.
Enabler: one who, by virtue of their own actions, decisions, inaction or indecision, actually negatively contribute to the poor choices being made by their loved one. In other words, you are making the problem worse.
1 Corinthians 5:1-5 (MSG)
I also received a report of scandalous sex within your church family, a kind that wouldn't be tolerated even outside the church: One of your men is sleeping with his stepmother. And you're so above it all that it doesn't even faze you! Shouldn't this break your hearts? Shouldn't it bring you to your knees in tears? Shouldn't this person and his conduct be confronted and dealt with?
3 I'll tell you what I would do. Even though I'm not there in person, consider me right there with you, because I can fully see what's going on. I'm telling you that this is wrong. You must not simply look the other way and hope it goes away on its own. Bring it out in the open and deal with it in the authority of Jesus our Master.
4 Assemble the community—I'll be present in spirit with you and our Master Jesus will be present in power. 5 Hold this man's conduct up to public scrutiny. Let him defend it if he can! But if he can't, then out with him! It will be totally devastating to him, of course, and embarrassing to you. But better devastation and embarrassment than damnation. You want him on his feet and forgiven before the Master on the Day of Judgment.
The ‘family’ went for a strategy of ignore, excuse, appease and pretend
Ignore. This is where I act as if I don’t notice your poor behavior in hopes that it will go away.
Excuse. This is where we take an action that is really bad and say that it’s not. Examples: “Oh, it’s only marijuana.” “Oh, they only drink a few every night.” “Oh, they are only images on a computer screen.” “Oh, he only hits me when he’s really mad.” “Oh, I’m sure she doesn’t really mean it when she tells the other guy she loves him.”
Appease. Appease is a way of buying off the problem by agreeing to a certain level of it. Bargaining, though, is actually counter-productive. James Dobson, in his book Love Must be Tough says, “Appeasement is virtually never successful in seeking to control the behavior of others. Attempts by one side to ‘buy off’ an aggressor or offender appear to represent peace proposals, but they merely precipitate further insult and conflict.” Examples: A teenager says that they will only drink and smoke pot, but no hard drugs - and his parents take the deal. A man tells his wife that it’s only porn – he’s not really sleeping around – and she takes the deal. A daughter tells her mom that she’ll be homeless without another serious injection of Mom’s money for the 3rd time in 4 years – and Mom takes the deal.
Pretend. This is the posture of the enabler to the outside world. At all costs, tell all the world that everything is fine – normal – wonderful. Pretend.
The real problem with these strategies is that the enabler is trying to maintain control over a life that is not theirs. The enabler artificially lowers the level of pain for the one who is making the poor choices.
But not all pain is bad.
You see, the best chance the one you love has at turning their life around requires that they realize the full measure of the consequences of their actions. They have to feel the pain. Not punishment that you inflict, rather simply the pain they have brought on themselves. Dobson calls this tough love. Not hateful or bitter, rather always loving, but always firm.
Why? Because real love puts the needs of the Loved over the needs of the Lover. Real love always does what is in their best interest.
What to do:
1. Expose. Paul said, “Bring it out in the open and deal with it.” You have to get the real issue on the table. Call it what it is. Name their sin.
2. Differentiate. Each of us gets to choose how we will live our lives. Differentiation is a statement of great respect towards yourself and towards the other person. It says, “I get to choose how to live my life, and you get to choose how to live yours. I have decided that I won’t live this way anymore. I hope you decide to change your ways, but if you choose not to...”
3. Release. Perhaps this is the hardest part. Paul says, “...out with him! It will be totally devastating to him, of course, and embarrassing to you. But better devastation and embarrassment than damnation. You want him on his feet and forgiven before the Master on the Day of Judgment.” Release is where you actually allow the full pain of their action to be realized in their lives. Pain is a powerful motivator. As long as the pain level is kept below a certain threshold, a person will not change.
Example conversations for how this might be applied:
“John, I love you, so this is excruciating for me, I won’t deny it. But it’s time we called this what it is. You are an addict. (name it – drugs, alcohol, porn). And I respect that you can choose to live your life however you want. In fact, I can see now that I’ve been trying to make you change through yelling, begging, ignoring, pretending and anything else I could think of. But I can see now that these were a way to get you to do what I want. So I want you to know that I won’t do those things anymore. You can live your life however you want…you are a grown man. But I get to choose how I will live my life, and I have decided that I will no longer live with an alcoholic. I will stand by you if you agree to get help – real help. But if you choose not to, you are going to have to leave….”
“Jennifer, though you are not yet an adult, you are clearly making your own decisions. Your mom and I respect that, and we recognize that there is little we can do to stop you from using drugs. But if we find them in your room one more time, we will call the police. If you come home after midnight, you will find the door locked and you will have to sleep somewhere else. If you talk to your mom that way again, we will work with the county to find you another place to live. These are your choices, and we understand if you make them. But we’re very serious about our choices and we will follow through.”
“Tim, you cannot have the other woman (or the women in your porn) and have me, you have to choose. I will no longer live like this. If you choose her, I wish you well, but you will need to move out. If you stay, you must agree to… But know this: if I ever find this again, you’ve got to go.”
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