Your Most Important Human Investment

I was reminded in several ways last week about the importance of the most sacred human relationship for most people - the relationship you have with your spouse. Especially if you are married, indulge me here with a little leeway for a story or two and I think I'll be able to help you.

Each of us is gifted the exact same amount of time every week. There are 10,080 minutes spanning every seven rhythmic days. Regardless of your wealth, health, family size, workload or responsibilities - we all get the exact same amount of time every week - not a second more or a second less.

What is particularly shocking to me is how few of those precious minutes we spend investing in our marriages. People squander time here and there, investing discretionary minutes in many areas of their lives that will yield far less of a return than if that same time were invested in their marriage. Seriously, very few things offer even a remotely similar benefit of a fully functioning, healthy, God-honoring marriage.

And yet, so few married couples actually achieve that kind of marriage.
Those who have a not-so-great marriage (which represent the majority, by the way) blame all kinds of things - incompatibility, a past mistake, their parents, their kids, their boss...

But for many (not all, but most) couples, the true source of their less-than-fantastic marriage is a lack of willingness (by one or both spouses) to give the time that is needed to have the marriage they say they want.

• We go to school for 13 years to graduate from high school. That's an investment!
• We go to college for 4+ years to get a degree. That's an investment!
• We go to training to learn a skill - and continuing education to keep our skill sharp. That's an investment!
• We practice for countless hours to learn our sport or instrument. That's an investment!

And we scratch our heads in bewilderment that our marraige is not awesome even though we only give it the leftover time, when we're tired, hungry, broke and grumpy. If it weren't so sad it would actually be funny.

But it's not. Funny, that is.

Last week, Susan and I went away together for the 3rd or 4th time this year. Just the two of us. Two days, in the mountains. Yes, it cost real money that I had to scrape to find. Yes, we left our kids at home. Yes, there was undone work on our desks. Yes, there were a thousand things we needed to do at home.

But we believe that the greatest return for our time can be found by investing it in our marriage. So we do whatever it takes to make that investment. And as a bonus, we're teaching our kids what a great marriage looks like! (Did you know that your kids will very likely have a marriage like yours because it's all they know? Would you be pleased or dismayed if your kids had a marriage like that?)

For the record, the odds were stacked against Susan and me. We were married very young (19), and we had a child 7 months later (no, she wasn't premature). And we had no money. I worked 3 jobs and went to school full time and we barely saw each other. It was a rocky start!

But some people mentored us and helped us to see that we had to invest in our marriage - regardless of the cost. We had to read books about marriage together (one every year). We had to go away together (3-4 times a year). We had to go to marriage retreats together (once a year). We had to spend dedicated time together (a date every week). We had to get tools to help us hone our skill as husband and wife.

I'll share some of those tools with you in another post this week. But right now, I'm asking you - if you are married - to find some time - no, to MAKE some time - this week to talk about your marriage and to make some plans to go away. Even if it's January before you can do it - even if that IS your Christmas gift to each other - it could be the best gift the two of you have ever given. It's the gift of a great marriage.

And the only way to have one is with time!

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FIVE Things I want you to know

Hey PCC'ers!  It was a GREAT day for our church.  We're in a really great season right now.   Like the rest of our lives, our church has experienced times when we were firing on all cylinders and a few moments when we struggled.  Ups and downs are a part of life, but we savor the moments when we are on the receiving end of an extra portion of God's blessing.  This is one of those times.

Here are 5 things you need to know about PCC right now:

#1  I don't care about being a big church.  I mentioned today that last Sunday was our largest non-holiday attendance ever.  Over 1,600 people came to one of PCC's campuses last week.  And we have consistently been over 1,400 for several weeks before that.  It can seem to the casual observer that all we care about is numbers.

We do.  We care deeply about the numbers.  Every single number is a person that Jesus died for.  Every one of those people is someone God wants.  Every one of them can only find their most fulfilling life potential when they dedicate their lives to Jesus Christ.  We care about every single person because God cares about every single person.  And we won't rest until every person around us has been introduced to the Truth and is a part of the movement called the church.

But I don't care about being a big church.  I care about reaching people and guiding them to become a fully devoted follower of Jesus Christ.  If we are a big church as a byproduct of that goal, then so be it.

#2  You will never be a fully devoted follower of Jesus sitting on the sidelines.  If you are not using your gift, skill, talent and time to serve people, you are not reaching your full potential.  God didn't give you the special makeup you have so that you can use all you have for your own benefit.  In Matthew 20:28, Jesus states that he did not come to be served, but to serve others.  If you want to be like Jesus (which should be the goal if you are His follower), then you have to serve.

But there is a bonus.  Yes, there is a cost.  But the benefit is that you get to be used to change the course of someone's life.  And we get to see glimpses of those results along the way.

There IS a place for you at PCC.  And we're not interested in sucking the life out of you.  We want to use your gifts, skills, passion and talent in a way that gives life to others and is life-giving for you at the same time.

#3  We are planning to launch a 3rd service at the Powhatan Campus soon.  When?  As soon as we can do it well - but hopefully before Christmas.  We've been very crowded for the past few Sundays.  Obviously, we don't want someone to come to church and not be able to sit or sit together with their family or friends.  It's a GREAT opportunity for us to create another service and add capacity for you to invite folks to church.

This will probably make for some adjustment in our current service times to make room for a 3rd service.  We're working now with Campus Coordinators from all the ministry areas to figure it out.  This is very exciting, because it means that God is bringing people who are investigating spiritual Truth to PCC.

#4  Christmas Eve will be AWESOME!!!  We're have an  incredible Christmas Eve experience planned, with services starting at 2pm and the last service starting at 10pm.  We'll have something great for all three physical campuses, so keep your eyes open because tickets are free, but you will need to get them!

#5  You can still get a T-Shirt!

We thought that giving away shirts would be a good gift AND a good way for folks to start conversations about PCC.  We scraped together all the funds we could find and bought all the shirts we could afford.  I know we ran out and I know we didn't have every size.   If you weren't there today or if we didn't have the size that you need, you can still get one at our cost.  We don't have any more to give away, but we won't make any money on any we sell.  I'm personally going to buy a few for some folks in my family and a few friends.  You might want to do that, too.

We are setting up that link right now, and I'll have it for you in a couple of days, as soon as it's available.

See you next week!

A Grumpy Day and what I did about it...

I don't do most things well.  I can't really build anything.  I'm no good with visual art.  I have only a basic working knowledge of project management.  I'm not particularly well organized.  And, as a few of you have noted, I should never pick out my own clothes!

But each of us has at least one God-given gift.  One Divinely-infused genius that is beyond the norm.  Most of us have marveled at a particularly gifted carpenter, artist, architect or musician.  I can think of moments when I was awestruck over the ease at which a colleague broke a project down to all its working parts, the full color gantt chart on display like it was a Rembrandt.   Who can't remember that one incredibly gifted teacher who made their subject come alive for us?  Or that one skilled manager who inspired us to accomplish more than we thought we could?  Or the athlete who plays your beloved sport at a level that is truly magical?

Whether you know your gift or not, I believe that everyone has one.  And my one gift is writing and communicating spiritual truth.  I wouldn't call it genius, but I think I'm learning to do it well, at least better than I used to.

The downside for what I do is that I feel the weight of enormous pressure every single week.  See, Truth can be taught in a way that is engaging...or in a way that is boring.  We can teach it so that it's relevant or we can fail to connect the dots between Truth and life where we live it.

I often imagine people coming to church, inviting their friends.  I envision them saying as they leave, "well, I don't know what happened today....Brian is usually better than that." and sheepishly asking, "Wanna come back next week and try again?"  The image in my mind is of an embarrassed PCC'er and their unchurched friend who is now firmly convinced to remain...unchurched.

So every week I feel pressure to be Biblical, engaging, fun, serious, funny, relevant, challenging, authentic, truthful, self deprecating and humble - all at the same time and in every single message.  I know the need to connect the dots for folks, have them leave having the Bible come alive for them and encountering God in a new way.  I want folks to leave saying, "I can't wait to come back!"  and "I wish he would have taught for longer" rather than "If only he had quit 10 minutes earlier!"

That brings me to this week.  With a deadline looming, and Sunday racing towards me, I could not make the words happen!  Call it writer's block.  Call it a lack of inspiration.  Call it laziness.  Call it a lack of faithfulness.  Call it whatever you want.  I call it misery!  I hear the tick-tock of the clock on my desk reminding me one second at a time that the moment I've always feared is now coming:  That I would walk on the platform and have nothing to say.

Yesterday was a really bad day.  Grumpy doesn't adequately describe it, but - since I quit cussing - I have no better word that I can use.  It was one of those days when I hate this gig, just to be honest. ('hating this gig' doesn't happen very often, but it does happen)  Sure, I can write something.  But who cares if it's not worth hearing! 

So here's what I did:  I came to the Powhatan Campus yesterday evening.  I knew that there were some small groups that met in the building, and I knew that they started their time as one big group, worshiping together.  So, at 6:30, I slipped into the big room, the simple sound of a keyboard and guitar calling out into the atrium as I approached.  I stood in the back, away from the crowd.  I didn't need to have a conversation and I didn't want to be the pastor.  I just needed a moment with God.

So I hid behind a wall and closed my eyes and basked in the presence of God through song.

He wraps Himself in light,
And darkness tries to hide
It trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice

How Great is our God - sing with me
How Great is our God - and all will see
How Great...How Great is our God.

Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end
Beginning and the end

How Great is our God - sing with me
How Great is our God - and all will see
How Great...How Great is our God.

As I sang, an amazing thing happened:  God met me there.  And I noted something else:  when others use their gifts, it often inspires us to use ours.  Not in a competing way, but in a complementary way (See 1 Cor 12) so that the Body of Christ is complete.

Beth's voice led me to God's voice. The genius of Beth's gift and the genius of Matthew's gift led me to practice my gift.

When the music was over, I slipped quickly out of the room, down the hall, into my office, closed the door, opened my heart and the words began to pour out.  It was almost as if I simply needed to let the pressure go long enough to simply stand in the presence of God and acknowledge who He is.  And once I did that, I could accept that my gift really isn't my gift, but a reflection of the very Greatness in which I stand.  Then and only then can the Genius of God be seen in me.  

And in all of us.

Amen.  

Is talking about someone else ever ok?

Several people have asked me variations of the same question: Is it ever ok to share information about someone else? The short answer (in my opinion) is yes, but only with the right heart, for the right reason, in the right circumstances. For example:

• Let's say you know that your co-worker is doing something unethical or illegal while on the job. Shouldn't you tell the boss?
• A friend mentions, "I was thinking about using Judy as a babysitter," but you used Judy to keep your own kids and you know that she's not responsible.
• You get a call requesting a job reference for someone you know, and the relevant information you have is not positive.
• You know that a genuine friend in your small group is participating in destructive behavior and you will need help from another group member in order to intervene. Should you tell them what you know?

When I say "I don't talk about someone else when they are not around to defend themselves" I am talking about malicious or negative conversation that has no other good purpose than to simply gossip about them. The examples above are some of the instances when there is a often a clear and good purpose for sharing information.

 

By the way, I've been in circumstances that resemble each of these examples.

• Once when I worked for a large corporation, I knew that a coworker was massively violating company policy with very large amounts of cash entrusted to her.
• I've been asked about babysitters that we've used who were unreliable or didn't care well for my kids.
• While most of the people I've employed have had high character, competency and chemistry with other team members, there are a couple who I wouldn't hire again or recommend to other churches.
• I once had a very good friend in a small group many years ago (in another church) who was dangerously close to having an affair. The other 4 men in the group (including me) collaborated and formed a plan to physically remove him from her presence.

In each of these cases, my motives were pure.* Jesus said to treat others the way we want to be treated. This is a rule I try to apply to my life.

 

So, when I call to check references, I sure hope the person on the phone shares honestly about a potential hire's character. And when I ask a friend if they had a good experience with a babysitter (assuming I need a babysitter), I sure hope they tell me the truth. And if I'm about to mess up my marriage, I sure hope my friends talk to formulate a plan to rescue me from my own stupidity. And, for the record, everyone on PCC's staff has heard me say that if they have some reason to believe I've run off with the church's money, they should go straight to the Steering Team (my boss) and tell them.

These things are not malicious or intentionally hurtful...they are speaking the truth, surrounded by love. Ephesians 4:15 says "God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in love..." (The Message). A few years ago, I did an entire teaching about being truthful and doing so surrounded in love.

 

If you are spreading information about someone - even when it's true - with malicious intent or no good purpose, that's truth...but not truth in love.

 

On the other hand, genuine love doesn't ignore the truth, even if sharing it at appropriate moments has uncomfortable or painful consequences.

 

We should always think before we say something about someone else. Often, we'll determine that we should just keep our mouth shut. But telling the truth in love is always the right thing to do.

 

 

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Say Something Good

The tongue has the power of life and death...(Proverbs 18:21, NIV)

Yesterday at PCC, we talked about the Power of Words and the Pressure we all face to use our words as a weapon. (you can watch the service here or listen to it here). I shared some tools that I have developed and employed over time to help me lean into the good that my words can do and away from the potential harm they can cause. Those tools included:

• Taking a deep breath (yes, this actually makes a difference!)
• Believing the best in people
• Not talking negatively about others when they aren't in the conversation
• Praying for people and letting them know that I did it
• Sending a note of encouragement and affirmation

There are other tools I use and other 'rules of life' that I try to practice with words. Also, some of my practices have raised some very good questions. Today, I will share one other tool with you. Tomorrow, I'll address a few questions and objections that have been posed to me. (I welcome your questions, by the way!)

 

Here's another helpful tool you might consider:

 

I try very hard to say something positive before I say something negative.

 

In fact, my goal is to balance negative comments and complaints with positive and encouraging statements in a 1:1 ratio. For every negative thing I say, I want to say at least one positive thing. I debunked the myth yesterday that "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." I said, "No disrespect to your Mamma, but that's just not true."

On the other hand, here's something I think Mamma did get right: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." In almost every situation, you can say something positive before you voice your concern.

 

We joke about this in the hallways of our offices. If something went wrong with an element in our services or we just didn't communicate well or any number of other things, I will often say, "First, let me say that your hair looks great today, I love that outfit, you must have washed your car, that perfume smells awesome, your desk sure is organized..." We'll laugh together until, finally, the person I'm talking to will say something like, "Just tell me what I did already!"

 

But when the mistake or oversight or dropped-ball is something more costly and not-so-light, I take this rule very seriously. I think about what I can say that will honestly affirm the person and/or what they do. I want them to know that my concern isn't the end of the world...that it's not all bad...that there are noteworthy good things.

 

I appreciate it when someone does this with me.

 

There are those who say that that they would prefer I skip over the touchy feely stuff and just 'get to it' and tell them what they did wrong, register my complaint, voice my concern. All due respect, I don't comply with their request. Jesus said that we are to treat others the way we want to be treated. I don't appreciated it when someone walks up to me and, with no warning or warm-up just tramples on my self-esteem or dumps their truckload of grievances. I prefer a bit of honey before I get stung. A little lovin' goes a long way.

 

When you say something positive, you are affirming the person. In this way, you gain respect because you are showing respect. NEVER do this dishonestly. But you can always find something good to say.

 

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (Proverbs 12:18, NIV)

 

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Honing Your Skill

A couple of months ago, my good friend John Tiller invited me to 'An Evening with Mark Batterson'.  I know Mark a little - he planted and pastors a large, innovative, multisite church in Washington DC (National Community Church) and he has spoken at PCC before.  Two of Mark's books - The Circle Maker and  Wild Goose Chase - have been pivotal for our church.

But honestly, I didn't really expect to learn anything at this event.  Mark would be talking about some of the concepts from The Circle Maker, which I've read twice and relied on heavily during a series we did on prayer.  I knew it would be fun, but I didn't have high expectations on learning.

Why is it that I can so easily forget:  I am always learning.  I can learn in every setting, in every situation, at any moment.  In fact, it seems to be a rule of life (for me) that whenever I set the bar low, God shows up and shows off. (That phrase came from Batterson, by the way)

Specifically, I was reminded that I need to spend time every single week watching and listening to great communicators, because I want to be a great communicator too.  Think about how a football team watches film every week.  They watch film of their own games, but they also watch film of other teams in other situations.  Granted, they're doing this to win - as in a competition - but shouldn't we want to win, too?

Whatever your skill or talent or gift is (and everyone has a gift that God has given them), isn't winning - at its core - becoming the absolute best you can be at that one thing that God made you to do?  When I watch other communicators, hear how they handle questions, analyze how they measure pauses, consider the way they utilize silence, space, humor, unexpected technical challenges, gestures, notes, eye contact and material content, it's like a football team watching film.  I make notes (mental and on paper) about the things they do which I can apply.  Occasionally, it's something I note: "Don't ever do this!"   More often, it's something that I can use that will improve and hone my skill.

So, this is a renewed part of what I'm going to do now, as I build into my schedule between 30 and 60 minutes each week to watch a great communicator and learn from them!

Helping our Friends Celebrate

One of the churches that has opened its arms wide to PCC is Powhatan Mennonite Church.  Those folks have loved us, embraced us and supported us.  Led by their fantastic and dynamic Pastor, Tim Kennell, PMC championed our cause and created an environment that said, "We're all doing Kingdom work for the same God.  We're all on the same team!"

When we were building the Powhatan Campus, folks from that church came and helped.  And when PCC celebrated our 10-Year anniversary, the folks from PMC came and served and kept our children so we could all be a part of that incredible evening.

Now, Powhatan Mennonite Church is celebrating their 50th Anniversary and dedicating their new building.  And they have asked for our help.  On Saturday evening, November 2, they need some help with parking cars for about an hour and they need some folks to help with kids on the playground from 5pm until dark.  They also are looking for a few folks to help at their celebration on Sunday, Nov 3.

If you would be willing, please contact Leslie Mann at leslie.mann@pccwired.net or 804.598.1174 and let her know.  We can give back and help a friend who has been so influential helping us!

Thank you for your help!